Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I swear I’ve just lived out a movie scene. The way life unravels itself, every time I’m in disbelief…
Some of the things we go through, we could have never imagined ourselves in a million years. And maybe some things we do imagine, but we imagine our own desired outcome.
Then reality unfolds in a completely different way when the time comes for the scene to be acted out in real life. Me, I never thought a man would ever have the slightest chance to even think of beating me up, let alone have an opportunity to actually lay his hand on me. But life had something else in store for me.
I have always been outspoken and expressive, no surprise in me obtaining a drama degree in my youth, but in no way does anyone wish to have violent drama erupting in their lives. No way does anyone wish to find themselves in front of a therapist or the police, because of a romantic ordeal. But there I was, speaking to a man about what another man had done to me and realising I was a co-creator in the escalation of things, because of childhood traumas and learned habits that had developed into toxic behaviour.
I am grateful to have lived through this experience, however. As much as nobody wants to go through pain, they do not call it “growing pains” out of nowhere. I don’t know how else I would have learned about self-love, dignity, strength and acceptance if it wasn’t for what I experienced in a life-threatening breakup. I now talk about walking away as if it’s easy, but it took me almost four years to walk away from this man completely. I had low values – it’s as simple as that. But we don’t all need to enter the same classroom to learn the same lesson. I don’t wish for any woman to have the same experience, but somehow many of us do. I have now become part of the statistic of women who were physically assaulted by their romantic partners and that’s something I always imagined as a big “Hell No!” in my mind. Yet here I am with a heartbroken appreciation that I at least survived and did not end up on the evening news with a hashtag and a national protest of activists.
When it came to my therapy and meditation sessions, the focus was on my own inner being, the girl inside who grew up with belief systems that were hindering her from making self-loving decisions. More than dealing with the incident I had faced, my therapist asked me to rather dig deep to any childhood memories I had that may have shaped me to become the kind of woman who would allow herself to be in a relationship with someone who she knew was never good enough for her from the start. He assured me that there was nothing wrong with me having allowed myself to be in this relationship, everything that happened had a reason and a purpose, and we just had to find out what that reason was, instead of dissecting a violent physical manifestation of someone else’s subconscious mental state.
I love where I am today, I love who I have become. I love how I now see the light and I know exactly who I am and what I want. I am confident to build up my standards without feeling the need to backdown or dim my light to make someone else feel comfortable. I have clearer boundaries now and am unafraid to have them known by those who try to challenge them. I am stronger, I am wiser. I am far better than I was before. All I can say now, is thank you. Thank you that my eyes have been opened.
I have been pushed to the edge and discovered how to love. I’m happy to close this chapter and enjoy my forever love. The one which I cultivate from within first and allow it to spill over to the next person, without needing them to fill me up in return. I have taken responsibility to fill up my own cup with love and joy. I need nothing outside of me when I have all the joy from within already. External love can only add to what I already have inside. Let the next love find me full, not empty and scarred.
I wish everyone well, male and female. We all have unearthed issues that we take out on our romantic partners. I hope we all put in the work to truly heal and never make it the next person’s responsibility to heal us and make us happy. It is all on you – you are accountable for your own happiness, you have to make yourself feel whole.
Yours in inspiration,
Nosipho Mkhize ✍🏾