Okay so, for this piece I’m joined by my Nyani who is sister and friend, who also happens to be a writer. We were all together as sisters this past holiday and we got to talking about relationships and what we want out of them. We’re all very single and we’re just navigating through self-worth and I believe we all want someone who will appreciate every part of us. It all pretty much started with the Tinder app and just talking about how convenient it is but there’s no real foundation until you move out of that space and start communicating on WhatsApp, video calls and phone calls. One of my sisters (Kuda) asked what we think her type is, and that kind of propelled us to start thinking and being honest with her on what we think her type is. I mean, what we often think our type is, might not really be the kind of guys we end up liking or end up with so it was so interesting to hear from each other. It was so hard to tell Nyani what her type was because her type is really the opposite of the guys she ends up with and we’ve always wondered why. We really were as honest as possible with her and some of the things we said could have been a bit of a shock or hurtful but that was the whole point of this exercise. I was so glad when she texted me recently to let me know that she had been thinking about what we said that day and she’s been really trying to be honest with herself. We basically told her that she always dates beneath her worth and anyone else could have been offended by that but she took it and decided to dissect it a bit more and figure out why.
So, here’s her piece in response to the feedback we gave her that day.
“Now everyone has one of these lists. It’s the stumbling block between them and their emotional growth in a really profitable relationship, and honestly no one is out here trying to correct themselves. Personally, I’ve never actually taken the time to reason with my so- called list. These are the reasons you give your friends and family when they tell you; “You deserve more”
DISCLAIMER: Everyone knows you’re trying to feeding them the largest plate of horse shit when you tell them all your reasons but I guess there’s really nothing they can do but leave you be.
I’ve recently realised I’ve always had a tendency to date man-children (oh don’t you dare judge me!) and I didn’t really realise it until I asked my best friends and sisters, Mack and Ms Kuda, what my ‘type’ is. Low and behold, my type wasn’t what I thought it was. Most of the time we date down and give these stupid reasons because we don’t want to be responsible for what bad behaviours we have allowed to happen in our vicinity; we attach ourselves to people and make excuses for why those relationships exist.
So here are the reasons I’ve always given myself for picking the wrong partners:
- “Everyone has something good to offer”
As true as this point is- the problem is that we think we need to date people because they’re intrinsically good people or they love their family or they’re ambitious. In my experience the moment you have to use this as your reason for being with someone, it’s probably not the right kind of match.
2. “He needs me”
Every human being is an individual and SHOULD be able to cope and find joy as individuals. No one should NEED their partner to be happy and the sooner we understand that the better. Someone telling you they NEED you not only places responsibility on you to keep them fulfilled but absolves them of that responsibility and allows them to shift the blame.
3. “Maybe I will inspire a change in his behaviour”
People only change because they want to do so for themselves. I’ve always been known for being so good at forgiving and understanding my partner’s misgivings because I always believe they could change for me- boy was I wrong.
4. “It’s just hard to find someone better”
My father recently wrote my sisters a letter and in it he said; “Nothing worth it comes easy.” This quote rings true all the time. I’m realising if I want to be with someone I think I deserve – I’m going to have to stop settling for guys that are the exact opposite on the premise of it being hard.
5. “Real niggas are all taken”
We’ve all used this excuse a million times. It just comes from a lazy; impatient place in all of us. We see our friends get married to men who lead, build and love in their lives all the time. Where do we think they come from? Were they imported from Jupiter and now there’s no more stock? I think the funk not!
6. “I can’t disappoint him”
Like hell you can’t! After a lot of thinking- I realise now though that the real reason I’ve ever really dated down is:
7. “I just don’t think I can do better”
This is the reason why women stay in abusive relationships or put up with abusive behaviour where friends and family are concerned and find it hard to just put their own needs and themselves first. They just don’t think their worth all the love, respect and understanding in the world so they settle for the situation.
For a long time, I just didn’t have any real standards, so instead of doing the hard thing…the necessary thing (dating someone who calls me to a higher place for myself) I found myself doing the easier thing in the short term (dating man children; douches and unstable men)
Often times we may not know if we’re keeping bad habits, so in order to see ourselves from the outside we need to hear about ourselves from the exterior. When I spoke to my sisters they were able to really break down my behavioural patterns when it comes to relationships and friendships. If you suspect you’ve been accepting less than you deserve- ask your closest friends and family…trust me they’ve been waiting to tell you.
I really hope that after reading this, you can be inspired to really look at how you’re dating and why you’re dating. We often forget what we deserve and we settle for what we can get and that isn’t right at all. Each of us deserves the best out of our relationships and if that makes us picky then so be it. Chances of being happy in a relationship are very slim if all you’re doing is settling. You will not attract something into your life that you do not believe you are worthy of.
KADAN – (n) “where the heart lies”, an all-purpose word for a person one cares about, including friends, family and loved ones.