I sincerely hoped that my debut into the “blog-o-sphere” would be on a more lighthearted, upbeat, kick-ass note. But the weight of the last week has me wanting to reach out to someone who may understand the waves of grief and mourning that tackle you in the midst of navigating your way through life – which in itself is a full-time job (to say the least)…
Before 2017, I spent the month of February – consciously and sometimes sub-consciously, in mourning. My paternal grandmother passed on Valentine’s Day of 2005, and then 4 years later on the afternoon of Monday the 9th of February I lost my mother. So it’s always been a ghastly month. But this year (2017) I decided I am celebrating life in any and every way possible. I would choose happiness and celebrate all.the.things.
But my heart yearned for mama, I heard her song on my way to work and I cried like a baby, I baked the one thing I managed to learn how – twice in 2 days (much to the appeasement of the husbae), and I was in a terrible mood all round. I kept denying my heart’s longing to mourn by occupying myself with activities I started and did not finish and then got mad at the world for not giving me the time and space to be confused.
Oh how naive of me. See, before this week happened I thought of mourning as a punishment for not being able to move on, as an injustice to the efforts of the women my heart longed for because I was not living up to my full potential, but instead wallowing in sadness. That was until my friend remarked “but of course you’re not ok, this is your month of mourning”, and another profoundly added “grief has no expiry date”.
And then it made sense, I wasn’t mourning because I am weak or ungrateful. My heart needed an outlet for the love I had been suppressing and did not know how or where to channel. Of course you don’t have to schedule your moments of mourning (yeah, I’m annoying like that), but one does need to acknowledge that ‘tug’ from within.
I still miss my mom dearly, and especially at this moment – but I am at such peace knowing that even when I distract myself, there will always be part of my heart that pulls us back together, reminding me of the love we have/had.
Who have you loved and lost? How do you channel the love you wish you could give them in their absence? Let’s share and heal…